Truth Or Truth Pt. 1

I find it hard to put my anger into words, my disappointments in rhymes, limitations in verse Embarrassments, my shame; I'll shove my face up in the dirt (and) remain hidden, 'til my existence is erased from this world In hindsight, all I wanna do is be forgotten. But at the same time, I never wanna be forgotten Which prolly' shows that my state of mind's conflicted to a point where I'm goin' crazy (and) there's nothin' I can do to stop it I guess misery does love my company. All I wanna know is what kinda person I'mma grow up to be 'cus right now, though opinions don't mean much to me, I'll prolly' strive for good ones later to live worry-free Thoughts are important, they aren't meant to be toyed with. Though my father seems like he's proud of me, I've been a disappointment 'cus I've seen him talking on the phone with his friends and they brag about their kids which is a source of annoyance to him 'Cus if he could, I know he'd prolly' brag about me, but I've given him nothing to brag about, so I guess I'm sorry Honestly, you're just as wrong as me, in this pops I wanted acceptance and all he did was adopt To my rebellious point of views and my happy go lucky attitude and brought it down to a lonely kid who's always mad at you (He's a good father tho, I know he means well) This one time he said some shit, when I didn't know heaven from hell Which made the concept clear, but shattered dreams to pieces and sent me down a path of fucking cynical disbelief And years later, though it was a long time back, it made who I am, from my brains to my feet I remember being 7 years old at my mother's funeral, crying about her death and how I regrettin' not bein' good enough And I asked my dad "Why'd he have to go and take her? Where's she goin'? Will she be happy, when she meets her maker?" And he said "See, son. When people are good when they're living, God calls 'em up so they could be with him up in heaven!" That struck me hard, 'cus it came across as selfish and by that definition, God kept everything good for himself And the people who weren't good, were kept on Earth in hell.. Which made sense 'cus I'd just suffered a loss. And that meant, I was alive 'cus I'd done something wrong But I questioned my mother's "goodness" and I wondered if that was good. 'Cus it was hard to look past the alcohol and the abuse Regardless, I chose to keep a good memory and I promised That I'd cherish it forever and try and look past all of her flaws Dont get it twisted, I'm blessed for whatever's been given to me and all I want is a chance to make my own identity And hopefully, this justifies a why I live in denial I hope this justfies my mind state that's suicidal I apologize if this verse is too long to listen to But if not ya'll, I don't know who the FUCK I'll tell this to Wanted to vent using the tip of my pencil But ended up having a nervous breakdown on this instrumental Which forces me to stop in spite of how much I don't want to That's all for now, I'll save the rest for part 2. I'm outta here...