Act Two, Scene V: "That was when"

The live room of a recording studio. Tony, Rich, Pete and Steve are sitting around Tony: Come on Rich, mate. You must have something Rich: I told you the other day, it's a lot of work Tony: Ever the tortured genius Steve: Haven't you heard? He's an Artiste Pete: Hey, I've got this riff... Tony: Look, slag me off, if you want, write about what a nightmare I am to work with, or, y'know... Rich: [Under his breath] Did that once, only you never noticed Steve: [Leans over his kit] Yeah, side two, track one Rich: [Raises his eyebrows] Mouths of babes and drummers Tony: What about... I dunno, but just off the top of my head, you could write about some girl you fancy, couldn't you? Rich: It may have escaped your notice, Tony, but we're not seventeen any more. Anyway, I didn't write songs like that even when we were, which is why we don't look total arses singing them now Tony: [Bewildered] Well, OK. You could have a go at the government, or the label or something, couldn't you? Rich: The label? D'you think there's a queue to sign us, Tony, or did I miss the bidding war? In case you'd forgotten, our label happens to be run - and, if I'm not very much mistaken, funded - by my daughter, whom you blackmailed into it. As for the government... Well, to start with they're beyond satire and secondly, that's the job of younger people, though they don't seem much interested in doing it Tony: Y'don't have to mean it Rich: How many times? That's where you're wrong Steve: We're fighting a losing battle here, aren't we? Tony: Looks like it Rich: [Looks up] What did you say? Pete: I said "I've got a riff" Tony: I said "looks like..." Rich: Not you. Steve: what did you just say? Steve: Something about it being a losing battle Rich: [To himself] Yeah... nobody expects you to win so there's no pressure... You may as well please yourself, I mean, it's not as if anyone else'll care... Tony: Now hang on a minute! I think we can do really well if we all pull together like we used to in the old days, all for one... Rich: [Oblivious] That's it... Losing battles still have to be fought, partly to determine the terms of surrender but also for their own sakes. We're British. Other countries don't understand that sometimes victory is built on the jawbones of defeat Steve: What is he on about? Pete: I've seen this before. He's got An Idea. Give him an hour and he'll tell us our entire lives have been based on an existential struggle against the loneliness of the long-distance plumber or something Rich: Loneliness! Pete, I could kiss you! Tony: Steady on, you'll make poor old Harry jealous Rich: Got it, I know what to say. What's the one thing we've all been doing for the last half-century? What're we doing now? Steve: I thought we were trying to make a record, but I'm only the drummer so what do I know? Rich: Playing with our friends, that's what! Forming gangs, fighting hopeless battles in the dark when they're not even worth the candle to light us to bed... And why? Because we're all terrified someone'll turn out the lights and we'll find we're on our own Pete: Candle? Do you want me to fix the lights? I can get the boy round to give me a hand if need be Rich: Someone find me a pen, quick. The rest of you bugger off to the pub. I'll have something by the time you get back Tony: You heard the man. Pete, it's your round. I got the last one Pete: When? We've not had a drink together since... Tony: That was when Rich: [To himself, as he writes] "That was when". He always has to have the last word, but he needs me to write it for him. 'Twas ever thus. OK then, "once more unto the breach dear friends". Once more from the top [Exit all except Rich, scribbling frantically on a notepad]