Suicide Song

My phone rang, I converse with the busy signal Why can't they let me die in pieces? I don't want any more food or condolences, let my people go Burn off this useless flesh and make meals of my pestilence Lessons are my tournaquets Maybe I've seen too much and not had enough Either way, this is my last entry forever Please don't let my children read this I was meditating when I wrote this The first time by interrupted by my screaming walls Hard to concentrate in my 7 x 12 cell Everyone watching my every move Even with these shrouds, I feel naked The windows talk to me and tell me that I ought to leave Only one way out the door, it's too risky Someone might not see me, be careful We used to paint, the canvas made me feel alive Oh how they marveled at the spectacle I made of myself I made it for them, but it was really communication to conjure up through Forever immortalized, carbon dioxide chokes me And I fear no man but my shadow There are a lot of things I've learned not to say outloud If my parents were still alive, they'd still be proud Sometimes I imagine myself as a loss The leftover remains of a cast-away god If I'm homeless, there's no Earth Someday I'll be famous, and you can put that on my birth My word is worth the demons that raped my being childhood, didn't happen I was made as this, my walking prison Guarded by my life on a limb, mood swings Enjoying my whim, take it for what it seems and much more Must find maker, how am I? and who did I? And how did I wake up on this bench covered in mud? Taking a shower won't aleve my stress I can't even lift my brush to paint my long-awaited good-bye Yet I'm feeling optimistic, relatively This is my testimony and it tests the past miserably Why do I keep dying in public places? The medication should take two hours to take affect But last time, I was killed eating my last meal It's embarassing and I die inside This is my favorite rock I come here to think about all the things that make me This is my favorite poem I wrote this before I died last time These are my favorite friends They don't talk much and probably aren't even listening This is my favorite place So I hope that I don't last here too long The other night, I was doing my everyday things Trying to find a girl to take to my apartment She's beautiful and clearly cares for me She likes my work, and wants to understand what fuels my art We lay side-by-side Happy knowing that there was only thirty minutes left of this to endure She spoke typical things and gave of herself freely I started freaking out as I convulsed during oral sex Concerned for me, she held me And I laugh at those tears, for a while The next day, I was still dead and she had joined me How honest I recall of how she gave of herself freely As I drank my orange juice, I began to study all of her beauty We danced and made love for hours Talked about important things and how our children would grow up and die also And how futile it was until we finally fell in love I'll never be alone again and she will never leave me I've forgotten why I write these things down Even as I write this I'm realizing how useless it is to put ideas to words Water to wine, stupidity and valor The streetlights I pray to and the gutters I fish in My wife is no longer good at sex, her body doesn't speak to me And I'm getting sick of her attitude There's other fish in the sea And I haven't stopped breathing for three days I hope everything is alright