The Opener

[Verse 1] Check, check, check, check Cash, Credit, Debit get it? Aw forget it, hold up, give me a second - Check it! Mr. Soundguy in the booth, hey what's up? Please put your fingers on those faders push 'em all the way up So I can holler at all of these people So I can welcome 'em as they are enterin' So I can let them all know what they're getting in Maybe I'll yell at them "Ladies, and Gentlemen! I have every intention of giving your disbelief suspension Only requesting several seconds worth of your precious attention." So I can.. Hit the stage and warm it up it's so cold Here we go, so you thought you might like to go to the show? Let's have us a laugh now lift up your glass And here's to what's hoping - at last! I'd like to introduce you all to your opening act! (yeah) [Hook] Open up your eyes Open up your mind Open up your heart Open up your hands Open up all right Open up your arms Open up your wallet Open up your mouth The opener has come to open up tonight [Verse 2] Last name Darklord, first name Schaffer But everybody's always misspelling that shit When they're listing it up in the paper AND if you can not remember that Than you can just as easily Be calling me S to the T to the goddamn D I come from NYC, specifically from Queens Always rock a suit on stage, never tees and jeans I have released these CDs on which I've talked of my disease If you get nerds hot nightly, well then you're A Lot Like Me See I'm an oddity, an oddball, an anomaly And I got all of my skills from my history of musical theater and heavy metal and comedy All of these rotten kids calling me labels that I've been unable to keep falling on to me Honestly, I've managed to amass a modestly sized following - Follow me! We're gonna go on an adventure, we're all in this together Now ready or not, Here comes the heavy weather So all aboard, but just you be warned If we are delayed I'm to blame Cuz guess what?! I'm still the sickest passenger on this train! (yeah) [Hook] [Verse 3] Everyone's waiting to see what will happen "Now who is this stranger that's rappin'?" You're askin' My fans have been naggin' "When you comin' back in?" While I'm in the lab and still tracking this action And if you downloaded this record for free Then good for lucky you And if you've already memorized all of the words Whoopty-fucking-doo, dude Nah, I'm humbled and honored And grateful and all of the rest you'd expect But I am so old and so cranky At times it is so hard to hide my contempt Please don't take it personally If I am curt with thee, if I should scarily snap back In my defense, I already warned you all I'm a Very Bad Man And I've had struggles with drugs and lots of weird issues with sex, it's true Just ask my therapist and my army of exes too Callus with my family, a jackass to my friends But I'll never change, I'll never apologize And I'll never attempt amends (Now back to the show!) So now that I have been released from my cage I'll page your headliner, show them to the place upstage As I rap and I point and I sweat And I spit and I swear and I kill and I shout Then drop my mic, light my piano on fire And bounce I'm out (Yeah) [Hook X 2] YEAH! UNH! Thank you