Epic Rap Battle

Link: First off I wanna tell you I enjoyed the pizza Well it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meet-cha I'd like your number But I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it Rhett: That means he's cheap and pathetic, and if you date him you'll regret it Twenty-three percent from me communicates I'm generous, not desperate, and I can calculate Link: Is she supposed to be impressed? Rhett: Well if you want a battle be my guest Link: I'm a computer programmer and a cubicle dweller I disabled Spell Check cause I'm a stellar speller When I write an e-mail that includes an attachment I never hit "send" before I've attached it Rhett: Your job is a bore I keep it hard core Selling knives and insurance from door to door You're reflecting on a water cooler conversation I'm giving an incredible knife demonstration Rhett: May I interest you in some accidental death coverage? Or a hard boiled egg slicer? Link: I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene Rhett: Egg slicer Link: I car pool Cuz I'm environmentally sensitive I pack a snorkel cuz I'm clever and so inventitive Rhett: It's inventive, inventitive isn't a word Link: Yeah I just inventited it, you just got served Rhett: Well when I car pool, I take a group of third graders On my way to work I teach them multiplication tables See I'm a role model, an example to the youth Link: Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two? Link: At the gym people line up just to give me a spot All eyes on me when I'm poppin' a squat My career Plan B is to teach P.E The model on the machine is based on me Rhett: I've mastered the art of mental manipulation Working every muscle group through meditation This is me working out my triceps Pick up my DVD called "Mind Reps." Link: My sense of style, is sweet like syrup It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe Rhett: I don't follow the trends, I'm a style pioneer See this turtleneck with a necklace? You'll be wearing this next year Rhett: Is that all you got? Link: Nope Link: I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do If something were to go wrong I'd just blame it on you Rhett: I'm quick-witted, I always know just what to say Link: Then say something clever Rhett: Uh, okay Link: I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar But I turned it down and became the president's Karaoke Czar Rhett: I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet Link: I gave the Heimlich to a horse choking on beef jerky Two hours later he won the Kentucky Derby Rhett: I'm allergic to nothing Link: I'm allergic to weakness Rhett: I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses Link: I can drive a stick shift Rhett: Well I can golf Link: Well I can make it look like my thumb is coming off Rhett: I invented the Half Nelson Link: I invented the Full Nelson! Rhett: I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin Link: My uncle is a lawyer! Rhett: I roll my own sushi! Link: I use the metric system exclusively! Rhett: I know Morse code! Link: Well I can speak it: - .... . / ... --.- ..- .- .-. . / .-. --- --- - / --- ..-. / .-. .- ... .--. -... . .-. .-. -.-- / ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. / -... . / .-.. . --. .- .-.. .. --.. . -.. .-.-.- Rhett: You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized Link: Exactly