Funny Honey

[Intro: Taye Diggs] For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion dedicated to her dear husband, Amos [Verse 1: Renée Zellweger] Sometimes I'm right Sometimes I'm wrong But he doesn't care He'll string along [Refrain 1: Renée Zellweger] He loves me so That funny honey of mine [Verse 2: Renée Zellweger] Sometimes I'm down Sometimes I'm up But he follows 'round Like some droopy-eyed pup [Refrain 1: Renée Zellweger] He loves me so That funny honey of mine [Bridge 1: Renée Zellweger] He ain't no sheik That's no great physique And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts But look at that soul I tell you, that whole Is a whole lot greater Than the sum of his parts And if you knew him like me I know you'd agree [Verse 3: Renée Zellweger] What if the world Slandered my name? Why, he'd be right there Taking the blame [Refrain 2: Renée Zellweger] He loves me so And it all suits me fine That funny, sunny Honey, hubby of mine [Spoken: John C. Reilly (Colm Feore)] I mean, supposin'— Just supposin' he had violated her or somethin'— You know what I mean, violated—(I know what you mean.)—or somethin'? Think how terrible that would've been Good thing I got home from work on time, I'm telling you that! I say, I'm telling you that! [Refrain 1: Renée Zellweger] He loves me so That funny honey of mine [Spoken: John C. Reilly (Colm Feore)] (Name of deceased: Fred Casely.) Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him—he sold us our furniture He gave us ten percent off [Bridge 1: Renée Zellweger] Lord knows he ain't got the smarts! [Spoken: John C. Reilly (Colm Feore)] You told me he was a burglar! (You mean he was dead when you got home?) She had him covered in a sheet And she's tellin' me some cock and bull story about this burglar And how I ought to say I did it cause I was sure to get off "Help me, Amos," she says, "it's my goddamn hour of need." [Bridge 2: Renée Zellweger] Now he shot off his trap I can't stand that sap! [Verse 4: Renée Zellweger (John C. Reilly)] Look at him go (And I believed her.) Rattin' on me (That cheap little tramp!) With just one more brain (So she was two-timin' me, huh?) What a half-wit he'd be (Well, I'm through protecting her now. She can swing for all I care!) [Refrain 3: Renée Zellweger (John C. Reilly)] If they string me up (Boy, I'm down at the garage workin' my butt off 14 hours a day) Well, I'll know who brought the twine! (And she's out there munchin' on bon-bons) (And trampin' around like some goddamn floozy!) (Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes, huh?) That scummy, crummy (I wasn't born yesterday! I tell ya, there are some things) Dummy hubby of mine! (A man just can't take. And this time she pushed me too far!) (That little chiseler!) (Boy, what a sap I was!)