My Clingy Girlfriend

I met her one day at the grocery store She had a jar of pickles and ingredients for smores I Said to her smores are sweet but I'm sweeter She laughed and said "Sure you are, make me a believer" Oh smores I met her later for a cup of coffee Something strange about the way she looked at me I took her hand, pulled her close, then I kissed her "Don't ever leave me" she said in a creepy whisper Oh shit [Chorus] My new clingy girlfriend... Loves to text me all night My clingy girlfriend Is jealous of all kinds of Women, my friends, my dog my Xbox All of the above gotta be second to my clingy girlfriend A year goes by, and she moves in with me My man cave is now pink and there are tampons under the sink I had a drum set I played but she pawned it At her friends wedding She reached for the bouquet and she caught it AWKWARD She spends her time looking at wedding dresses Rings and cakes and flowers YEAH, she's kind of obsessed I think it's time to consider other options Cuz I suspect that she's poking holes in the condoms Need proof [Chorus] I made her a cupcake to soften the blow when I told her "I'm not ready for this level of commitment" She grabbed for a fork then stabbed me in the arm And began to pull my hair out While expressing her resentment And then she told me She would murder my whole family, my coworkers And the girl who took my order that day at Wendy's Then she set the house on fire And ran screaming right outside And I felt guilty as the flames reflected off her teary eyes So I took her back And now she won't let me have my car Or my dog or my beer or my porn My bathroom, my guitar, my pool table My camera. my iPhone, my website My Macbook Pro or my iPad My vitamins or my coffee maker The internet or my waffle iron My tools, my washer dryer combo Riding lawnmower, my fuel filter or my PS3 Or my sousaphone or my fishing pole or my life