III

Something casual, so sure Something I have never known before I don't want to go (What was I saying the first time around? What was I thinking? What was I saying?) There is a sick grace inherent in healing It's like peeling off my skin It's like feeling everything for the first time Like it's finally sinking in (What was I saying the first time around?) Upstairs through the dark and stars and out the other side Sat a foot apart until the sun would rise Something so sudden and so good I never expected that we could My god, I don't want to know (What was I feeling the first time around? What was I trying to do? What was I trying to prove?) There is a sick grace inherent in healing I had finally choked that down (What was I trying to get you to approve the first time around? What was I doing the first time around?) First I was softer, then I was stronger Now I am frightened, would you look at me now? How long will I have you? Who am i to speak of permanence? I'll be fifty in the book of names but goddamn it I'll be the last on the list Someday I'll stop begging you of who and how First I was stronger, then I was softer Now I am frightened, look at me now Somehow we managed to make it this far Seems now everything has changed I don't want to know (What was I saying the first time around? What was I thinking? What was I doing the first time around?) It's never what I am It's only what they were I don't want to know