Watermelon

[Verse 1: Open Mike Eagle] First I'mma march through the Doubletree And make all the residents watch I Heart Huckabees (Yeah) I'll start five free festivals For people brave enough to show their IQ test results (Yeah) The government should issue people rollerskates Only optional for the elderly or the overweight (Yeah) All politicians should get replaced So when they lie, somebody's there to punch them in the face I'll put brushes on everybody's fenders To free the city budget from shoveling all winter Less municipal ticketing department powers And no memorizing street-cleaning parking hours Make PE instructors show the Figure Four English professors teach Cappa's verse on Winter Warz These kind of thoughts should fly like a chopper propeller But they give all the talkshows to that Costas fella With this brain I should've been had some mozzarellas I tried getting attention I did lots of yelling [Hook] You know, goddammit I'm gonna smash me a watermelon Think I'm playing? Somebody pass me a watermelon A big, fat, red, black-seeded watermelon Think I'm playing? I'm gonna smash me a watermelon Somebody pass me a watermelon A big, fat, red, black-and-green-seeded watermelon [Verse 2] Of course I do my shows Double-Dare style Do you see this ridiculous-ass hairstyle? I'm bald on the top like Kojak But curly on the sides like the hairs on my ballsack Yeah, I put my money where my mouth is You see how big this motherfucking couch is? And mainstream America's afraid of me Shit I taught Jimmy Kimmel his A-B-Cs Ha, see that wit? We're evolved from winners Because sabertooth tigers tried to eat us all for dinner I'm descended from the ones that were smart enough To hide in a cave and learn to write in the dark And stuff And motherfuck Carrot Top He carries props But that's where his merit stops He's a Vegas lounge act I'm an astronaut When I hear his punk-ass gets laughs from shock I book my own tours Fuck taking half the box Ain't talking guns when I say I let the hammers pop [Hook 2] You know, goddammit I'm gonna smash me a watermelon Think I'm playing? Somebody pass me a watermelon A big, fat, red and black seeded watermelon I'm not playing Somebody pass me a watermelon I got a hammer I'm gonna smash me a watermelon A big, fat, red, black and green seeded watermelon