Doug Stamper (Advice Raps)

[Intro] Rappers belong to things They got affiliations and shit and I do too But fuck gangbanging, yeah [Verse 1: Open Mike Eagle] Life's kind of sucky bro If you hearing this consider yourself lucky, though Sharks in the boardroom program for guppies Baby cuddle bunny in the box full of puppies, sho No perm, grow a 'fro like Pam Grier Don't say 'bro' bruh say manssiere, yeah Any karaoke fans here? If so, never get drunk and do Kashmir It's not a good choice and white rappers quit Rapping in your hood voice, sound like a clown Hundred pounder that took 'roids Don't do videos for tracks with your back to the cameraman Phones get the family packing big data plan '99 Problems' was a damn good summer song If you got more than like three then something's wrong [Chorus: Open Mike Eagle] You're drowning in quicksand You're flailing in the water You're hands are waving all frantic You'll die within the hour Unless you do what we tell you to do Me and my whole fam we Doug Stamper (Yeah, yeah, and here's the -) So you should do what we tell you to do (Mmmhhh-ahhh - timing, shit!) I say, good God damn we Doug Stamper [Verse 2: Open Mike Eagle] Yeah, and here's the bush I would never beat around Never march through Korea Town in a Madea gown Yeah, you know, like a Muumuu And never buy used from that dude Joe Isuzu If you find yourself down in Southern Illinois Cop a mixtape from DJ Snowy Boo-boo, (that's a real dude?) yeah And don't start them arguments Or show flowcharts to an art-numb Parliament And stand guard by your dart gun armament And memorize your parts like a sharp-tongued artisan Always tell a lie to C.I.A. torturers Never buy weed from a guy named Mortimer Buy bank forfeitures and foreclosures If you start to lose your hair skip the comb-over When you home open a game with the Orioles A journalist should never write a slang editorial [Chorus] You're drowning in quicksand You're flailing in the water You're hands are waving all frantic You'll die within the hour Unless you do what we tell you to do Me and my whole fam we Doug Stamper So you should do what we tell you to do I say, good God damn we Doug Stamper [Verse 3: Hannibal Buress] You a grown man do what I told you to Stop pissing on the motherfucking toilet stool (disgusting) Wash your hands when you touch your little dirty dick And dry 'em off before you come trying to shake my shit (get outta here) You a ho if your Facebook is complicated Eat your fruit fiber bitch or get constipated (grrr) No finger waves, except baby face LeBron James needs to stop taking HGH His hairline fucked up from the HGH Went from one headband to like, eighty-eight You ain't a thug, stop acting like you've been through shit Stop paying for them porn site memberships (that shit's a waste) Go to YouPorn nigga, that shit is free But don't bootleg my comedy, pay the fee (buy it) Tell your cousin, stay the fuck from off of Worldstar And don't buy a Honda Civic, that's a girl's car And don't buy a Chevy Aveo, or a Mini Cooper or Yaris And don't, don't set stuff on fire either Actually, if... If you can only afford one of those cars, cause those are compact cars and are very affordable, then get that, don't let me judge your life, but that other stuff, I mean that other stuff Yeah