The Internet Trap

I. The Internet Trap Hello, I figured I should make this internet archive for myself as Personal archive so i can look back at this in ten years and look at myself in more disgust than i do in current time Or as introspective content from a person who respects my “talents” or lack there of in my music Regardless of why you are here i am impressed that you have scoured the internet to it’s internal deepest end because i know for factual that if you’ve found me then you’ve found the true bottom of the barrel.I’ll introduce myself as Nalyd for the sake of this but as I compose this it is 8:06PM on the twelfth of march. It as you could most likely assume or discover is the first post to this confessional blog.I don’t wanna quirk the cliche’ and rant about me being a musician and how it is my biggest wish and hope to break through a proverbial glass ceiling by surpassing thousands of other “starving artists” especially because with the ever growing populairty of the internet it is only easier for anyone to apply for an account on soundcloud and record things that rhyme and consider themself a “rapper”. I dislike how I say that as if I’m on some higher level or as if I’m looking down on other people just like me who do exactly that. Rap. I ponder to myself often that I might be a joke because I listen back on things I have produced and it’s either too mediocre and hokie or it is cringeworthy beyond belief. I can’t seem to find my own image or cadence so I’m testing different forms of artists including Eminem,Kanye West,Drake,J. Cole,Kendrick Lamar,Pusha T,Tyler, the creator & others. I would say that I need a “gimmick” if I am ever going to be acknowledged but it feels phony to me and yet again i use the word “cliche”. But it’s a double edged sword because even the obvious has become the norm. Meaning, if my gimmick is not having a gimmick it shows that i’m boring or uninteresting and there is no intrest in that. When i look at these artists I say “Okay, why are these people successful” Well they all have a niche that they appeal to and they have fanbases. I frustrate obsessively every single day how I don’t have a fanbase but then again I ask myself “Would you like you”. I like to think the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes [PROSPECTIVE] So I realize I wouldn’t like me either. I’m white with the stereotypical white guy clean cut hair cut and I’m hairy and I don’t look like an outcast by design or image but I don’t have an appealing smile or body to catch anyone’s attention. If this were a year ago I would say me being overweight and wearing skinny jeans would be the absolute 100% prrof reason to as why people ignore me or find me odd and uneasy to approach. Which I don’t blame them because compound the fact that I have a very quick wit but not just in a comedic way but in an insulting way. I’m not shy or afraid. I actually am very exceedingly outgoing but my form of outgoing is not to kiss your ass but to introduce myself by having a backhanded compliment to say hi. Plus, my sarcastic tone impeeds that I am ungeniune. It’s not about look (it is, but not that much) It is because i’m an asshole. The few friends I’ve accquired in my life also hate me because I don’t know when to turn off the prick. Which it’s not a switch either meaning it isn’t an act. I truly am this way and I hate that I am such. I say I want friends but then I realize if I had them I wouldn’t want to hang out with them because my insecuritites have built me to think I gotta be “on” and entertaining 24/7 and always cracking jokes and making sly comments. But that gets so redundant and annoying so they wouldn’t enjoy it and I’ll fake a laugh and smile like I care but I hate it just as much as they do. I just dislike the thought of being “boring”. Which on the surface I am. I don’t do drugs. I am afraid of getting in trouble because my mother will talk to me and I dislike any contact or communication with her because she doesn’t understand me. Plus she gave me bad traits and that is a different entry for a different day. Anyways, I don’t play sports or play current video games. I have no car and my main knowledges go towards WWE and myself. So when you talk about pokemon bruh I have no damn clue. When you say do I smoke weed and I respond no then that begs your question “Well, Damn Dylan what do you do”.People ask me why i like cats. Truth is I really don’t. The cat is symbolic for me being insecure and boring. Cat ladies stay cooped up in their house all day cuddling their dozens of kittens. That’s a boring lifestyle and I could relate. I entitled this introductory blog “The Internet Trap” meaning lately (as in, the last 2 & 1/2 months) I have been completely infactuated with the fact my name “Nalyd Ecitsuj” appears clearly on search engine sites like Google & Bing. I got more excited when I seen my name appeared before the exact search on YouTube. I’m getting infused deeply with a subject I liked but didn’t really think I would ever get involved in that being music.Now i’m like I need to beef up my discography, I need to get better at storytelling. I need to start writing original stories. I need to stop stealing bars and structuring for my own personal benefit. I need more “happy” songs. I need more hype songs. So much to say but I’m driving myself crazy that I am the only person at my high school that highs internet fame….a cheated diet version but internet fame no less and nobody even notices…