Pretentious Friends

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know. (x2) I run shit in this house, like I was now or never And with no effort, I bet you I could change my name to Klaus Or something mildly Flemish Pick up a Saudi chemist from an Orange County dentist Ouch. I’m whistling, trading, eating At poetry readings at AA meetings I text you pictures of my keister or cervix Or dead bodies from a Middle Eastern skirmish Damn, I’m oh so snooty A bro gropes boobies, has sex with Snow White At the jam, on pedal bikes Replenishing electrolytes You’re honored I dipped my junk in the fondue Told boring stories, showed my blonde pubes I’m from the church of Satan’s archdiocese So I fart fire pits and heart giant tits Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know I’m a prick. All of our inane dialogue And my day’s minutiae gets micro-blogged Ew. Plus I smell like Fido the dog In gray Pumas, I look like Sideshow Bob Urinate in what the cod-fish swims in Who was to think, I’m God’s gift to women? Flirting with about 30 Asian chicks With herniated discs, eating turkey bacon bits Busdriver: "Nigga." Pillow Talk: "Oh hey boo, how you be?" "Oh, oh. I saw you at the Cannes Film Festival." "No that wasn’t me. You didn’t see me down there, uh-uh baby." "Oh, yes." "You talking about Cannes? You a con." "Tell me about it." "I saw you getting jiggy at Sundance with no pants on." "In Holland?" "Mhm." "Hmm, do tell. I bought those shoes also, for 30 Euros, at the Champs-Élysées." "Nigga, please. These shoes? This cummerbund? Oh step, hon. Oh and by the way, the paté?" "The paté was fabulous." "Goose liver, nigga!" "Yes." Get ‘em Oh, I know, you want my R&B hook Oh, I know, your brain's been partially cooked When this breaks this pillow under the gourmet kibble Your solar plexus be in this trouble hence the dribble, it's what the beat's for There it is. My friendship's like a health plan I think on a multi-tiered color telegram The movie trailer leaked, I hope they get the plumber’s putty My script writing takes three Welsh understudies I enjoy the congress of the water buffalo Hoes stop and hold 'em, rock salt through the double O’s Y’all nigga, too, think I’m a hot date With a Prop 8 slashed out on my ballot box Salad tossed into a chocolate cake Cause I’m so cute My hoes they look at me and their water break And babies pop out with one gold tooth Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know Oh oh no, oh no, oh no, oh I know. (x2) I never never repeat it over and over and over again I’m one of your pretentious friends, pretentious friends, pretentious friends. (x2)