Calm Down Baby

[Intro] This is for anyone wishing they could do their entire life over: Quit sulking, you fucking pussy Yeah yeah yeah, clown on my accent all you want I'll whoop your cat's ass. I'll whoop your grandmothers ass I'll whoop your sisters ass. I'll whoop your ass I'll beat your moms ass. I'll kick your ass [Verse One] Its the anti-socialite not-so-christian That'll talk more shit than bitter and old women On puny ass rappers with little-to-no rhythm Fuck veganism give me some General Tso's Chicken I write weird songs that got hooks like Journey And if I grew my hair out I'd probably look like Fergie But I'd never tinkle in my pants while I was on stage Cause I was potty trained when I was four years of age I think a lot of people these days are bitches I also think that emo and emotional are different But more so I hate white girls that talk like "Aww hell no, girl I'm gettin' this shit crunk You know what I'm sayin'?" I'm not jokin', it's nothing but bark, I feel lost Can't remember where the fuck that I parked The world is gray and blue but what skates me through Is knowing that I have a better music taste than you I used to like Tool until they made the same album That they made the last time they made the same album Every time they make a damn album its the same album, really And only stoners listen to their music, it's silly I still think the Deftones are dope And I like Nick Drake on the days I wanna let go of hope Wilco is great and Ice-T is still clever And no matter what its ALWAYS Wu-Tang Forever [Hook] [x2] Calm down baby Don't you talk because Calm down baby Don't you talk because I don't need lovin' and I don't need help I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self [Verse Two] I'm 25 I started rapping as a sophomore In those days I'd hide my cigarettes in my sock drawer Until I heard my mom snorin' sleeping on the green couch And then I'd secretively sneak out My first taste of heartbreak was at the park late one summer night I had a big crush on a girl named Sarah I was gonna ask her out until I saw Tim Phillips kissing her grabbing her butt Asshole! I was madder than FUCK and walked home Oh, Tim Phillips smells like Cool Water cologne Well fuck him, his Mustang and all his other friends I vowed I would never love again And since then I've dated but fuck that I can't give nothin' I'd rather sail alone than have my damn ship sunken Being single's par for the course I don't wanna cause a marriage Cause I don't wanna cause a divorce Its probably important and its better for health Besides, I get the whole damn bed to myself But what the hell everybody yells for me to drop down my guard No! this heart of mine's for me, it's locked down and it's scarred Go home, I don't need me a wife, I'm happily single for life Alright? My name is Mac Sheldon I'm a fire-sign Leo Alcoholic, anti-mall, anti-hero Anti-soccer mom, anti-hipster Pro-eating Captain Crunch cereal for dinner Pro-taking bong hits to cure your depression And pro-demo CD If you got one let me check it But never ask me what the hell I'm laughing about See ya later I'mma go take a nap on the couch, alright? [Hook] [x2] Calm down baby Don't you talk because Calm down baby Don't you talk because I don't need lovin' and I don't need help I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self [Outro] Gee, Mac... what are we gonna do about this Kansan accent of yours? Well, self, since you're asking in the third person We're gonna fuckin' keep it! Because it makes us pretty... and unique... and beautiful. Like birds! I'll whoop your mother's ass