Misery Loves Comedy

You ever notice how your life is rolling by you It isn't what it seems I wrote this down so you'd know that I knew This is just a dream It's the fictitious stuff ya see as voyeurs The same tricks that make us believe in lawyers They sell the same lies to the girls and boys For your whole life, telling you the worlds ya oyster If that's the case I'm allergic to seafood Castaway and that's what they serve when they feed you So you're covered in goiters now love and enjoy us Move the waistline and in eight days time you see through Whose to say it'll improve today You could lose some weight You didn't want to lose your way And life is one of those books where you choose your fate You could hang yourself but I bet the noose would break Hey I guess you gotta try and laugh at it 'Cuz mathematically it's half tragic and half havoc Dag nabbit, who'd a ever thought I'd get the short straw outta life if I grabbed at it I'm on a path padded down by sore feet Feelin' like the last cat in town where dogs eat King of the fools on a short leash I used to laugh at the clowns who had on the crown before me Well now I'm chucklin' at my own expense It doesn't cost me the bucks that I've been known to spend on what a simple cup of coffee and doughnut can It's like save the children but for grown up men, friends I'm in a zen place sportin' a Jen's face Though I'm a chump I'm over the hump like Wednesdays I don't go for most of the junk my friends say I let it roll over my cold shoulder like BenGay That's the best way to treat disaster Because if you let regret stay it eats you faster Your breastplate shakes when you breathe with asthma Death may take me to greener pastures I need a pastor, a priest, a rabbi who ain't ashamed if I asked to beseech the bad guy To blame for the fact that I lead a sad life Ashamed to pack up and leave my campsite You gotta find a way to laugh right Well I'm practically pissin' my pants over this damn ride And I don't wanna end up missin' my chance for me to grab my slice from the dish in advance Man, I spend a lot of time listenin' to cants instead of opening the lid on the cans If I put half my time spent on bitchin' and rants and do a plan I could slip away from the trance But I guess this is the dance, the life I lead My lawn isn't grass, it's thigh high weeds My wife lives with my man beside my street So I see her kiss him again every time I leave And I'm just trying to find my speed Fuckin' jimminy crickets I got another cop givin' me tickets What would my life be if it didn't seem wicked Even my landlord said she would love to get me evicted That's cold I'd expect a mother to stick with her own struggling nitwit son whose a misfit Asshole but nothing can fix it I'd put my trust in lady luck if she wasn't sadistic But I've had so little success of being elated That the prospect of rest and being cremated And right now I'm thinkin' of puttin' this mic down 'Cuz bein' dead is better than bein' hated This ain't quite how I was picturin' my career They're stickin' it in my rear These are not my terms And I figured I'm in the clear since they got me burned 'Til the funeral director went and dropped my urn Well I guess you gotta learn to laugh at it When you're the burn of your own joke it doesn't seem as tragic Take it from someone who knows folks There ain't a mathematic pattern for outrunning your own woes Well so goes your role at the zoo It still isn't what it seems I wrote this down so you'd know that I knew This is just a dream