Professional Rapper

[Intro: Spoken] “Hello, how can I help you?” "Hi, my name’s Dave Burd. I have an appointment today. it’s probably under 'Lil Dicky,' actually. I’m a… I’m a rapper, so…” “Ok, and who are you here to see?” "Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here “Snoop D-o-g-g.” "Oh, yeah. He’s right down the hall. First door to your right. Give him a knock and he should be right with you." "Thanks. It’s uh, this door right here, right?" "Mm-hmm.” “Thank you.” [Verse: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg] Grab a seat Thanks I’m Dave very nice to meet Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg Let me just check your sheet No problem, sir, let me just say I’m a big fan of the shit that y’all make I can’t lie, I been thinking about this all day All good, there’s a reason that we called, Dave, let me start with your background Where you come from? Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond Before that Oh, you talking bout my hometown? Yeah I was born out of Philly grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around So real shit you ain’t never had to struggle for much I wouldn’t say it like that, we just had a different kind of trap Elaborate Well I ain’t never had a tool, but I had to be the man at school Like I was doing shit I had to do so when I finished undergrad, I’m cool and I can get whatever job I wanted But the job you wanted wasn’t all that bumping Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be coming when you grow up like that Know you been racing them rats, you ain’t been making them raps Boo hoo what a hardship How you paid to get the rap shit started? Man, my Bar Mitzvah money But don’t diss me buddy, I wasn’t one of them younguns up on the block who had nothing to lose I must’ve wanted this a lot, I had something to choose Look at that, I can say there’s something to prove up in your ass Yeah, I guess That’s enough of the past, what makes you want to do rap? Oh my god, it’s the best Bitches let me draw up on their breasts Literally I can reinvent myself I get a forum to project myself It’s never boring, every morning I wake up and try to best myself I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself It’s kinda healthy Cool, now let me put you through a couple hypotheticals Sure In a club and a couple niggas threaten you Uh, I wouldn’t do shit And I don’t even get what that got to do with this? Shut the fuck up, rap's like life If you wanna do this, then you won’t get far acting like a little bitch Nah, that’s my niche! Don’t get offended by this, but that’s the market y’all missed That’s the target I’ll hit And that’s the heart of my pitch I wanna do this whole thing different What the fuck you mean you wanna do the whole thing different? Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know Traditionally people have been doing the job the same kind of way for a long time But traditionally speaking, this shit works, right? Nah, like, I get that, but I-I just think that, you know You don’t know if it could be working even better And I think you should look at me as an opportunity to find that out I don’t mean any disrespect by that I’m just saying I have a different background Like a different perspective way of looking at things than your typical applicant [Verse 2: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg] So what are your biggest strengths? Well my flow is crazy, I can switch that amazing For example, I can be like ain’t nobody fucking with Lil Dicky When he get up on that shit and spit it sick and ridiculous Ripping this shit like it’s never been did and the rhythm is never predictable Cause I can switch it, deliver this shit to whatever cadence you bitches prefer Alright, alright, I get it Top of that, lyrically I’m pretty damn clever (Go) Got a long bottom bitch, called a hoe Neville (Whoa) And I blow it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh) You can say I’m pretty smart how I know better And y’all been winning like Pistorius, it’s no feat Bro, I can go on and on I’m taking over and they mad like father-in-laws OK enough of the punchline, that ain’t showing me you different from the other guys Well I don’t know if they can run it like that But ain’t nobody else doing funny type rap What’s that? Well I can tell a story about my morning Watching Boy meets World and jerking off to Topanga Lawrence Like the 14 year old Topanga Oh this shit like a joke to you? I don’t get it Nah it ain’t like that I just happen to be a nutty abundantly funny type of individual Like, as a guy So when I get up on the mic I ain’t finna just lie Real recognize real, right? Yeah, I guess. So what you trying to do? Five years from now, tell me bout the due Well, I don’t care about the money Like, it’s the respect that I’m wanting Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats Where they gotta bring your boy up every debate I don’t wanna leave the game the same In a nutshell, what’s your legacy? Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand up rap With the random rap and the man like that for the people that was anti-rap Yet, the fans of rap started recognizing anti-rap is ironically one of the real brands of rap left That shit sound pretty damn complex I guess, I wanna be the best I just wanna do it my way And turn the whole game sideways And show people you ain’t gotta be resigned to the highway You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight I ain’t mad at that Well thanks, man, that’s my plan of my attack Just let me in and I’mma rap the plaques And I ain’t about to win them back to back I’m bout to win them like it’s back to back to back to back to back Til I stop rapping You ain’t even sold a damn album yet True That’s a lot of talk from a wily vet Let alone a young rook nigga You misread me Nah this ain’t a book nigga Well that’s one of my flaws, I’m too competitive dawg No, you just fucking repetitive dawg I get it, you trying to be better than all, but you ain’t shit until cheddars involved I get that I gotta prove myself No shit you ain’t done shit But think about that though Only doing this a couple of years One tape and I’m like this? This shit is aight for your first shit But you don’t know if it’s your worst shit You don’t think finding out would be worth it? It might be, it might not But I’mma put your ass to work, kid Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really? Well one more thing, let me see if you could put a hook together What would you do for the hook for this song? You want me to make a hook up right now? Do I look like the type of nigga that like repeating himself? Alright, uh, okay Man do the hook! I’m bout to be professional Homie, I’m professional Uh, maybe like a low voice type thing? Nigga, that shit is garbage man Well, you know, I feel like there might have been some upside to it But I’m not good at thinking of things on the spot like that Don’t y’all normally like outsource for that kind of thing sometimes? Sometimes, but you know, that was some next level Dogg shit right there Yeah, you know, I’m just way better when I get to think things through Have my like that dual screen action that type of thing Whatever man, you trying to smoke a blunt? Right now? Yeah Sure [Outro: Lil Dicky, Snoop Dogg & (Juanita)] Dope. Juanita, bring some weed in here, please. Thank you (You got it, Snoop. I’ll be right there.) Thanks, Juanita. Super nice woman Nigga, why does everything you say sound so soft? Uh, I really don’t wanna be spoken to like that, so… Whatever. Thanks (Hey, I got y’all y’all weed.) Damn, that’s some great looking weed. It’s just so early (Can I get you guys anything else while I’m here? Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water?) D-Did you just say head? (Yeah. You ain’t never got no head before?) I mean… Just feels like… A lot, right now (Ok.) But what kind of tea do you guys have? (We got mint, raspberry, earl grey, english breakfast...) Actually, I’ll take head (I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head.)