Master Of The House

[DRINKER THREE:] Come on you old pest [DRINKER TWO:] Fetch a bottle of your best [DRINKER ONE:] What's the nectar of the day? (Thenardier enters with a flask of wine) [THENARDIER:] Here, try this lot Guaranteed to hit the spot Or I'm not Thenardier [DRINKERS:] Gissa glass a rum Landlord, over here! [THENARDIER:] Right away, you scum (to himself) Right away, m'sieur (to customer) [DINER ONE:] God this place has gone to hell [DINER TWO:] So you tell me every year [DRINKER SIX:] Mine host Thenardier He was there so they say At the field of Waterloo [DRINKER SEVEN:] Got there, it's true When the fight was all through [DRINKER ONE:] But he knew just what to do Crawling through the mud So I've heard it said Picking through the pockets Of the English dead [DRINKER EIGHT:] He made a tidy score From the spoils of war [THENARDIER:] My band of soaks My den of dissolutes My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts My sons of whores Spent their lives in my inn Homing pigeons homing in They fly through my doors And their money's as good as yours [DINER ONE:] Ain't got a clue What he put in this stew Must have scraped it off the street [DINER TWO:] God what a wine! Chateau Neuf de Turpentine Must have pressed it with his feet [DRINKERS:] Landlord over here! Where's the bloody man? One more for the road! Thenardier, one more slug o' gin [GIRL:] Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in (Thenardier greets a new customer) THENARDIER Welcome, M'sieur Sit yourself down And meet the best Innkeeper in town As for the rest All of 'em crooks Rooking their guests And cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house Doling out the charm Ready with a handshake And an open palm Tells a saucy tale Makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon-viveur Glad to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price! Master of the house Keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve 'em Of a sou or two Watering the wine Making up the weight Pickin' up their knick-knacks When they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end! [THENARDIER & Chorus:] Master of the house Quick to catch yer eye Never wants a passerby To pass him by Servant to the poor Butler to the great Comforter, philosopher And lifelong mate! Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone [THENARDIER:] But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone! (To another new customer) [THENARDIER:] Enter M'sieur Lay down your load Unlace your boots And rest from the road (Taking his bag) This weighs a ton Travel's a curse But here we strive To lighten your purse Here the goose is cooked Here the fat is fried And nothing's overlooked Till I'm satisfied Food beyond compare Food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer And pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse Liver of a cat Filling up the sausages With this and that Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges Plus some little extras on the side! Charge 'em for the lice Extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice There a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks he knows How it all increases All those bits and pieces Jesus! It's amazing how it grows! [THENARDIER AND Chorus:] Master of the house Quick to catch yer eye Never wants a passerby To pass him by Servant to the poor Butler to the great Comforter, philosopher And lifelong mate! Everybody's boon companion Gives 'em everything he's got [THENARDIER:] Dirty bunch of geezers Jesus! What a sorry little lot! [MME. THENARDIER:] I used to dream That I would meet a prince But God Almighty Have you seen what's happened since? `Master of the house?' Isn't worth me spit! `Comforter, philosopher' - and lifelong shit! Cunning little brain Regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover But there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted Living with this bastard in the house! [THENARDIER & Chorus:] Master of the house [MME. THENARDIER:] Master and a half! [THENARDIER & Chorus:] Comforter, philosopher [MME. THENARDIER:] Ah, don't make me laugh! [THENARDIER & Chorus:] Servant to the poor. Butler to the great [MME. THENARDIER:] Hypocrite and toady and inebriate! [THENARDIER & CHORUS:} Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse! [THENARDIER:] Everybody raise a glass [MME. THENARDIER:] Raise it up the master's arse [ALL:] Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!