Carter Deems vs. Illlmaculate

[Intro: Organik] Ayo King Of The Dot, put your money where your mouth is. Back to Baysics, Los Angeles. Make some noise y'all. We're getting into the secret battle for the event so I'll jump right into it. Battler to my right introduce yourself [Carter Deems] Hey guys I'm Carter Deems. I just want to like, if you don't mind, I wanna say something like, serious, like I took this battle like, I've been doing jokes and stuff but I took this battle absolutely serious. And before we get started I wanted to say two things. Uh, first is um, I took this as serious as I could, you know and I promise that I'm not gonna forget any lines, I'm not gonna stumble. I'm not gonna choke. The second thing I wanted to say is um, um...the second thing I wanted to say is um................. The second thing I wanted to say is good luck Immaculate [Organik] All the way from Portland, battler to my left introduce yourself [Illmaculate] Yo, it's Illmaculate, make some noise y'all. Now I don't usually do this but I just want to make a couple shout outs like on some real shit. Um, shout out Jonathan, Thaddeus Von Hammerschmidt III, Jamiroquai, 2Pac, B.E.N.E.F.I.T., Wilma, Mrs. Boots and uh, I know I'm slipping on some of their names but all of Carter Deems' cats. Make some noise [Round 1: Carter Deems] Sometimes it looks like you have a beard And sometimes it doesn't Sometimes I have fun at family reunions Sometimes I fight my cousin This dude will get sonned/sunned like the light above him When I spit truth in my verses but I'm not Bible thumping Get big like Michael Duncan When I send his body flying through the air like Michael dunking Looking like Mike Tyson punched him When it comes to Starbucks I hate the coffee but I like the muffins Real rap Real rap, Illmac...what the heck am I doing here? I'm about to get bodied so hard you should give me a firm chest bump as a souvenir A penny for my thoughts? Well I put my two cents here Your sideburns are too sincere I'm about to poop in here {Battle gets side tracked due to the sounds of fighting on the roof that broke out between Dizaster and Billy Boondocks} Carter on point for the bucks, it's like I'm about to shoot a deer There's a lizard that lives in my couch, that's why I move in fear My favorite color is blue this year and everything I do is weird You wanna face me here well it's gonna get nasty like Rick Rubin's beard I try to fit in at parties and say stuff like, "Hey guys you wanna do some beer?" I let a cat live in my desk at work and now I need a new career I'm 'bout to catch a body, it's like I'm about to do a cheer In my shower you can catch me with a loofah near I'm 'bout to stretch him out, get loose in here Cause when the hands go, it's Van Gogh, you lose an ear I'm taking over, hoping in the driver's seat, you'll see defeat/the feet I use my shoes to steer I don't care if you keep the Ruger near or if you have your shooters here You could've come armed with an army and I'll still take your tanks down like scuba gear I should've brought my tuba here Hit him in the mouth with that brass, now he need new veneers I feel really stupid here Still I bring bar after bar after bar for Ill', you gonna see hot rounds I'm 'bout to cook soup up here When Carter hop on stage his dead jokes come to life You think I'm gassed up? Well watch the crowed get ripe when I start to cook like an oven light Gilmore Girl's poster, that's what I hug at night You didn't think my name would spread but now I'm on a roll like a butter knife 2% milk? That's all I drink, that's something light Florescent bulbs? Those are some thin lights We about to have fun tonight but this dude bit off more than he chew; that's an under bite I'm not going to run tonight, to be honest I expected a tougher fight Cause when he spit, it's just like he's starving for attention; that's a hunger strike This is a weirder match up than the other guys I'll walk into a Long John Silver's and make the money fly I can use all the support I get, shout out to my upper thighs I'm pretty sure I forgot a couple rhymes but I'll just wing it like a butterfly If you pop up you gon' see that toast, I'll let that butter fly Time [Round 1: Illmaculate] Alright ch'all You know his name, from Copenhagen to the Golden State It's Deems No other battle rapper could know his pain Let alone hold the weight on his shoulder blades So here's how it's gonna go today From here on every line I use on him is a used condom That's DNA throwaways, let's go! I guarantee he'll be like {Illmaculate does a Carter Deems impression} "Ayo" [Carter Deems] That doesn't sound like me [Illmaculate] {Still using his Carter Deems impersonation} "It kinda does You can't see Deems when I travel And it's ironic that I love cats cause you the one that's gonna flee/flea from this battle" Alright, change of scenes His name is Deems, rugged as the Marlboro Man But yet sensitive as Maybelline facial cream He's every ladies dream You think Drake can sing? Psst, his voice is like angel wings and halo rings I'm sorry if I'm on a tangent I get distracted doing addition That's A.D.D When I think Carter I think downpours and the crown yours Your raining/reigning king I mean, that's how this match-up came to be Lux wanted a 100K, KOTD wouldn't pay the fee So naturally the next thing that came to me was Carter Plus he only charged 'em....80 G's A Pay Per View percentage, an ATV Three music videos, OVO made 'em free A beat tape by [?] And a cat playground as a place to breed that's safe from fleas Okay, that's real shit, that's facts True story, that's true story I heard Carter sells rocks He got homies surrounded by cell blocks FEDS got his phone tapped, so he gotta get his cell blocked Shit, I heard he really run the town He literally cells blocks Psst, that's stupid Plus, T-Pain watch his battles with pom poms, lighting L's I heard he got chron' for clientele He buys and sells You be eyeballing grams like, "Your mom's mom is fine as hell!" Well, when this shit drop I know, they'll probably think this is Sak's Fifth to a thrift shop I mean as soon as I spit he'll rebuttal my shit, watch He'll even rebuttal my rebuttals...sick, stop Aye Anygma, he freestyles so amazingly I must be the Malaysian Lee, how I'll get my flips topped Cart's skill at doing cartwheels, I'd even get my flips topped There should be another bar here but I can't think of another way flip top So c'mon, how do you battle a mixture of God's trinity The Star Wars lost trilogy, John Kennedy, Dom's infantry I almost bought a cat to give you props literally And I hope you win cause life is all about the small victories Time [Round 2: Carter Deems] I own a microwave that's the same color as a microwave That's the same color as light blue But I don't use it anymore cause it electrocuted me and the light's blew I went to your Facebook page and liked it just so I could go back and unlike you You wanna fight dude? Well I'll split his wig like Dwight Schrute When I bring the heat like Tai food His face is what I'll punch right through when I bring this right through He's light like the sun so I'll son this knight dude like high noon I had my share of tough times too I had a ponytail in high school I rocked the snap back with a hole in the back And I put my ponytail right through But I thought it was tight dude Hairspray and a scrunchie I kept it tight dude Watch season 5 of Reba, that's what I do Start twitching when I get around girls, that's what my eye do But I'm so dedicated to the block Two years ago I looked the streets in the eye and said, "I do" How many lamps do I own? Ten, that's five twos I hope you hit a growth spurt and get to 5'2" Seven is my favorite number in the world but I kinda like five too You can't handle my thighs dude This heat going straight over his head, that's how the crow fly Nah, this heat going straight over his head, that's a blow dry I'm so high, I always wanted to meet you so..."hi" I know I'm one of the old guys but I'm one of the up and comers like Gjonaj I'm so fly that I took this battle on one week Prep And I'm not talking about the gun rapper with a bow tie No lie Smack, I should be the one that's headlining NOME 5 No but for real, for real, but this dude's pretty awesome too, for real... {Gives Illmaculate a high 5} I've always wanted to give a gnome 5 {Crowd absolutely loses its shit} [Illmaculate] It's over. It's over [Carter Deems] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about that I've already hit him in the head with ten punches and I owe him five If you said my cat was four years old he'd look up at you and say, "No I'm five" You better stop Carter before I go too far today I cut fiber out of my diet, I'm down to two farts a day You think Carter play? Well I love the streets, I'm with that brass, I harp parades This dude has the same body type of somebody who should be guarding a garden maze But for real, my entire life is just one awkward phase You spent one night in jail well I got bars for days Time [Round 2: Illmaculate] It's already over. It's already over. I...that was some good shit He's got 13 cats, 13, and he gives 'em all people names So his friends get confused but he don't think it's strange He be like, "Hey man, are you coming in to Steven's games?" "Steven is your brother?" "Uh, Steven is the Siamese and tomorrow we're playing keep away." "I put this corn in a bag...Frito Lay" Carter keeps arms around him in the streets these days That's PDA You'll get ripped off the cuff like your jeans are frayed It's in your bloodline to be scared, yeah, your gene's afraid I mean...back to the 17 cats He remembers all their birthdays Even assigns them personality quirks that weren't there in the first place He be like, "That's Mrs. Boots...she's a little moody on Thursdays Between us girls, someone's having a bad fur day." There's more Carter than what meets the top layer You're looking at a top notch neighbor, golf trainer, scotch drinking Yacht sailor, squash player So point out anyone you call "hater" And I'll make that bitch sit down, I'm a dog trainer I'll tell 'em they suck forever like a Jawbreaker Cock flavored Flawed nature but God's greater I do this for scratch without the cross fader Yo, you know how this match looks on paper? Like Swamp Gator versus blond skater Darth Vader versus park ranger Don Draper vers' John Mayer That's a compliment, his songs...BANGERS I mean, you look like you've never used a Mach razor and you're going to prom later Also a compliment, you age well Yo, truth be told he took this as a small favor I only took this to make our bond greater like a stock trader So, what do y'all think when you see Carter Deems? Harvard steez? Art degrees? No, he harvest p's, commits larcenies And I'm pretty sure his baby picture was the cover of Carter 3 But look, we got some things in common Carter See, we're both pussy lovers Most battle rappers style...is cookie cutter My mom was bleeding while baking, somehow a cookie cut her I'm only jealous cause Joe partnered with Cutter What you want? A cookie Carter? Motherfucker, if I did have a cat, I'd be better at that I'd pet mine smoother, wouldn't get mine neutered His cats are used to being fed light tuna, psst, I fed mine grouper Yo, I heard in high school he was a celeb like Bueller But ten times cooler He would show up in that Lex like Luther Get to class, turn the desk chair around and sit behind the desk like "booya!" Soon as the bell rang, he became a sex life tutor, but he was 10 times cooler Shit, yearbook voted him, most likely to pass away, Death By Cougar No diss, I salute you like red, white, blue, you're the westside ruler Not even a sidekick that read my future Could've predicted little Illmac' vers' Head I.C.E. Jr [Round 3: Carter Deems] You must've written those lines in a hotel Cause all you got is mini bars Carter Deems got two mini bars In my left pocket, that's where two pennies are He's so gassed up when he farts it sounds exactly like a indy car My gun's so mature, he wears khaki pants and listens to NPR My gun's so mature he works for a marketing firm, in PR By now, everybody knows that 'Mac can spit it But he's like one of the classiest dudes in battle rap He can easily school me like academics Ummm....one week prep...sorry Look, I'm tired of being humble in battle rap, I only want to rap a minute So I come back...oh my gosh, I've never done this before... {Crowd starts cheering for Carter} For real, I'm about to hit him with them steel bars I don't steal bars, but my bars got punches that hit real hard Nah, I'm just kidding, I can't write those kind of lines about dude that got somebody that got those REAL bars ......... You can catch me going 90 in the rental Not worried about the incidentals Still I get live like Jimmy Kimmel You think I'm soft well I come back the harder way like when Penny dribble The heat on, I put this beat on, I'm not talking about an instrumental I Double Dare you if you got the guts, I'm a legend at hitting temples I would never hit you in the temples I just put that in cause it fit in the scheme with shows from Nickelodeon I tried to fit in Keenan and Kel, All That but I couldn't to figure it out Have to throw 'em in And I don't even watch Jimmy Kimmel If he walked in the door right now I wouldn't even know it's him And I'm not hard at all, the biggest fears in my life are gluten and too much sodium Just kidding, I'm HARD AS HECK! I'm hard as heck I got small rounds on big rounds, that's a pepperoni pizza, boy And I deliver that heat to your front door like a pizza boy Last week The Source said I'm the best rapper in the world and I know Pete's your boy Okay, he didn't say that at all, I'm getting really nervous right now So if you smell any pee, it's your boy Just kidding, I'm not nervous at all So you can disregard that pee and poopy smell I'm going old school like [?] Cause I'm back on point like King Koopa shell You're not back on point, you're like a beluga whale (Beluga whales don't have any points on their back) Yo, I hope this nerd brought his pocket protector cause I'm going for his wallet next I'll rob this tiny miniature person, that's a Polly Pocket check All I do is pocket checks And I know y'all don't like pocket checks but money in my pocket? Check I got so many pocket checks that even my pocket checks got pocket checks And if I pocket check these pocket checks These pocket checks have more pocket checks But now it's time to put 'em away I put these pocket checks back in these pocket checks Then I pocket checks, then I pocket these checks in my pocket Check I knew it was a terrible idea to take this battle I could feel a change up in my intuition Still I hit him with punch after punch That's a change up into his chin You'll feel worse than when I had to get a student loan cause of a change up in tuition Every time I walk by a fountain I throw some change up, I'm in to wishing I'm about to start cooking like Boyan Get hotter than Tuscan, your futon is what I put my foot on when I poop on I know I'm new on, but the kid about to flip air like Jimmy Neutron Look, Ill' need to cut it out like coupon Eating sweet treats that's all my Coupe on What I mean is my car eats nothing but Captain Crunch cause the roof gone Punch after punch, I'm about to get my fight on Left hook, then I throw a right on, right on I have him walking funny like Monty Python I don't care if 'Mac brought the mac Mac is what I put my nine on I shouldn't have worn this mask, I think I'm allergic to nylon For real, blow after blow, I hit him with another punch if 'Mac is in it I pull...no for real I should've brought a mask that was hypoallergenic That's all I got Time! [Round 3: Illmaculate] Yo, he said one of his biggest fears was sodium He said, "I get nervous when I try to direct message you on Twitter." I said, "So. DM." (That's so bad) Alright look, I can't fuck with Carter cause his reps too street You should just be happy that I let you eat I mean, after this paycheck his cats will have wet food treats for the next two weeks I bet your home is a mess Get control of your pets As a feminist, Carter thinks strip clubs are as low as it gets And won't even look the Hooter's waitress in the eyes as a show of respect I mean, on the bright side though His pets gave him closure when he was rejected by the label owner Cause you have the appeal of a sex tape from Oprah And the physique of a wet table coaster But lets be honest, you wouldn't have shit on me, in your pull up days You look like you're fresh out your mullet phase Should've shave, you've got the swag Of an Umbro fanny pack full of AIDS Your computer? A wack PC I hope the user...contracts VD I mean, have you heard his last EP? Stuart from MadTV? Yo, it's an understatement to say your ugly face is not photogenic As a kid, when your parents bought picture frames They prolly kept the stock photo's in it Aye, fuck the bullshit, y'all wanna hear some real bars?! Cool, cause this is the last stand I mean, look at what blood's sport in the ring, I'm Van Damne I pull up in a black Phantom, put the beats on him, I'm a rap fan I'll smoke him like afghan wax grams You wouldn't see this pussy pop in a lap dance Every time you rap fam', I think cat hands Paws/pause But just in case you're not certain It's a scientific fact that a cat owner is a lot worse than a dog person It's science I mean, these are the known facts It's a cold stat 51% of serial rapists know or have known someone that owns cats Look it up Yo, I guess that shit should've been a warning Cause Carter was arrested on suspicion of being part of a kidding porn ring Slow it down! I said kitty porn ring! He practices every day every chance he gets to Even battling his cats like, "Slow it down I just hissed you!" Copy that I bet you shit in the same litter box they potty at And prolly act like you're in a relationship with the mommy cat Like, "I made you this nice origami hat. How come you never call me back?" You should see the work this cat put in He says, there's not a girl that could do for him what a cat couldn't He be strutting through the neighborhood Fuck around and get your cat tooken Shit, his new name should be Bruce Wane cause he got a Cat Woman That's bars But truth be told it's sad cause he broke up with the Siamese and now he' on the rebound I'm a fan of your weak style so giving you this ass whooping hurts me, ow/meow At Petco, real-this a true story At Petco, they got his face on wanted posters For spray painting, "Cat's Rule" all over the dog enclosures Yo, I knew you were a worthy match But when I heard you were a cat burglar I figured it was purses, cash or artwork you snatched But no, he's a cat burglar, he burgles cats Alright, I don't know if you heard his raps but his tracks are tight I mean, Carter be remixing classics like... Way back when I had the red and black lumberjack with the cat to match Whatever happened to catching a good old fashioned passionate ass whooping? Getting your shoes, coat and cat tooken Cats rule everything around me, get the money (DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL!) I said... "Cats rule everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. with the honey Gotta lot of milk y'all! But look, all that shit aside, I got a serious question Be honest, and you'll win a prize Do you jerk off? Do you? [Carter Deems] Yes [Illmaculate] Ill advised, every time you jerk off a kitten dies And you've practically committed genocide