Progressive Christmas Carols

We wish you happy holidays, whoever you may be So merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or heck all three We've modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team You'd better not judge, you better not hate Better not bully or discriminate Progressive Santa's coming to town He's making a list of gluten free foods He won't take a peek at J-Law's nudes Progressive Santa's coming to town He's 50 different races And all for tax reform He'll protect all your children Well, as long as they've been born Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer) Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends) He passed his bright red traits on (traits on) Darwin said that's how it goes (evolution's not a theory) Mary did you know that your baby boy supports the NRA Mary did you know that your baby boy is white Deck the halls with kujichagulia Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza Give zawadi, hang benderas Kwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wanza Throw your hands up in the air-uh You're a green one, Mr. Grinch You're lacking in finesse That greenish epidermis determines your success Mr. Grinch Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress You're an outlier, Mr. Grinch You give the Whos a fright They say your heart is 3/5ths normal You're either wrong or white Mr. Grinch Don't walk the streets of Whoville you might fight a cop the Whos will not indict I'm dreaming of a racially ambiguous holiday Away in a manger with Jesus and crew His schmeckle got cut cause hey Christ was a Jew O holy night, the stars are brightly shining It is the night Jesus did something holy Joseph watched golf, his leather chair reclining As Mary birthed a child, I think a donkey was involved Three wise men came, with GPS they found him Christ lied in a barn, as his omniscient baby-daddy tucked him in Jesus crawled on his knees His mom shared it on snapchat O bright device! O night, when Christ celebrated Christmas