Frozen Lullaby

[Intro:] "Mommy, where do babies come from?" "It's pretty simple, actually..." [Verse 1:] When a man doesn’t love a woman very, very much He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup Then with lots of money and scientific genius Hormones, pain and of course, um… Jesus The process begins the way God intended With a transvaginal ultrasound With a wand longer than a ukulele When it comes out of my body, it makes this sound (pop) I give myself daily intradermal injections An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurrence Cryopreservation through hormonal activation And none of it’s covered by insurance Then I’m knocked out and you’re removed And combined with a stranger’s cum And as the saying goes: You win some You lose some (you dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous waste bin) And then you’re frozen until I’m certain It’s time to unthaw you into a person Then you’ll expire or you’ll make the grade And that, my darling, that’s how babies are made (It’s so easy and natural) [Chorus 1:] Hush little egg-baby, don’t say a word Mama’s gonna freeze you til' she gets rich And when that day finally arrives You’ll be constructed in a petri dish With sperm donor 8w6-3 The silent partner of our family So hush little egg-baby, don’t be sad Just because I never fucked your dad [Verse 2:] I know there are orphans everywhere But I’m going to pretend that isn’t real Don’t look at me like that just cause I admit it You had kids and you knew the deal Yeah, I feel guilty about overpopulation And ruining the environment for forever But Osama bin Laden had 20 kids So fuck you, or whatever Sadly, procreation is not a meritocracy And we need to prevent a real life idiocracy Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissism It’s also a way to re-reverse reverse Darwinism I want all the stuff, I don’t need a bucket list It doesn’t make me greedy, it just makes me a feminist Now I’m thinking back through all the guys I’ve dated If they heard this song they’d fucking hate it [Chorus 2:] Hush little egg-baby, don’t you cry You’ll have the best genes mommy can buy I don’t want to wait until I get in dire straights My friends say if I want kids I should go out on some dates But these working bitches don’t have time to leave it to the fates The world deserves more Rikis and the world deserves more Kates So hush little egg-baby, dad’s are overrated He did what mattered when he masturbated [Outro:] Hush little egg-baby, just hold firm Mama’s gonna buy you designer sperm And if that sperm gives you random traits Mama’s gonna test your DNA And if your DNA doesn’t make things clear Mama’s gonna just have to live in fear And if that fear turns into guilt Mama’s gonna hold on to what we've built And if I hold too tight as to suffocate I’ll buy you lots of things to overcompensate And if that overcompensation’s too transparent I’ll pretend it’s somehow better with no male parent And if you say "But Mom, who’s my dad?" I’ll say "I don’t know" and it’s just too bad And if that badness forms a hole in your heart I’ll want to make it up to you but won’t know where to start I’ll probably start by saying it’s just you and me And there’s no such thing as a normal family So fuck being normal, let’s do this shit Mama’s gonna freeze you til' she gets rich