Criminal

[Intro] A lotta people ask me stupid fucking questions A lotta people think that what I say on record Or what I talk about on a record That I actually do in real life or that I believe in it Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody, that I'm actually gonna do it or that I believe in it Well shit, if you believe that, then I'll kill you You know why? Cause I'm a criminal Criminal Yeah I'm a criminal [Verse 1] My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge That'll stab you in the head, whether you're a fag or lez Or a homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest Pants or dress, hate fags? the answer's "yes" Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic Staring at my jeans, watching my genitals bulging That's my motherfuckin' balls, you'd better let go of 'em They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get hold of 'em! "Hey, it's me, Versace! Whoops, somebody shot me! And I was just checking the mail, get it? Checking the 'male'?" How many records you expecting to sell After your second LP sends you directly to jail? Come on, relax guy, I like gay men Right, Ken? Give me an amen! (A-men!) "Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus Heal this child, help us destroy these demons Oh, and please send me a brand new car And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital" Preacher preacher! Fifth grade teacher! You can't reach me, my mom can't neither You can't teach me a goddamn thing, cause I watch TV and Comcast cable And you ain't able to stop these thoughts You can't stop me from topping these charts And you can't stop me from dropping each March With a brand new CD for these fuckin' retards And to think, it's just little ol' me Mr. Don't-Give-a-Fuck still won't leave [Hook] I'm a criminal! Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! But I don't got to say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep going, I don't take shit from no one [Verse 2] Mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes, and speed The baby came out, disfigured ligaments indeed It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she Don't dare make fun of that baby cause that baby was me I'm a criminal, an animal caged who turned crazed But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't raised? So as I got older and I got a lot taller My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger I drink more liquor to fuck you up quicker Than you'd wanna fuck me up for saying the word ______ My morals went *Pffft* when the president got oral Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk Off of his own employee, now don't ignore me, you won't avoid me You can't miss me, I'm white, blonde-haired and my nose is pointy I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die In plane crashes and laughs as long as it ain't happened to him Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined, "The maniac's in" Replacing the doctor cause Dre couldn't make it today He's a little under the weather, so I'm taking his place Oh, that's Dre with an AK to his face Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place I told you Dre, you shoulda kept that thang put away I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with it, eh? [Skit] [Robber] Aight look (Em: uh huh) just go up in that motherfucker Get the motherfucking money and get the fuck up outta there [Eminem] Aight [Robber] I’ll be right here waiting on you [Eminem] Aight [Robber] Yo Em [Eminem] What?! [Robber] Don't kill nobody this time [Eminem] Awwright… god damn, fuck… (whistling) How you doin'? [Teller] Hi, how can I help you? [Eminem] Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal [Teller] Okay? [Eminem] Put the fucking money in the bag, bitch And I won’t kill you! [Teller] What? Oh my God, don’t kill me! [Eminem] I’m not gonna kill you bitch, quit looking around… [Teller] Don’t kill me, please don’t kill me… [Eminem] I said I’m not gonna fucking kill you. Hurry the fuck up! [Eminem shoots teller —BOOM] [Eminem] Thank you! [Verse 3] Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it So I'll be disguised in it And if anybody identifies the guy in it I hide for 5 minutes Come back, shoot the eyewitness Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business Die, bitches, bastards, brats, pets This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck You motherfuckin' chickens ain't brave enough To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up To make you mad so kiss my white naked ass And if it's not a rapper that I make it as I'mma be a fucking rapist in a Jason mask [Hook] I'm a criminal! Cause every time I write a rhyme These people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind I guess I'm a criminal! But I don't got to say a word I just flip 'em the bird and keep going, I don't take shit from no one I am a criminal!