Fearing Myself

[Verse 1] Have you ever looked at your mum or your dad Ever looked at the people who were close in your life and felt like You're losing your mind cause the comforting thoughts no longer reside? Have you ever looked at your arm or your leg? It looks the same but it's strange in my head Have you ever felt you're alive but you're dead My mind's not mine and I can't comprehend How I've lived and felt for 20 years or more it's just finally left I feel numb but it's more than regret It's a feeling I'm sure but it's stuck in my head Have you ever thought to the point where your own subconscious mind seems all that's there? I'm aware the despair that I'm feeling's rare cause my nightmare's never compared It's a feeling I'm trying to grasp But to put into words is more than a task My speech is a product of the past Where the mind that I have was evolving in there I've had thoughts like these in the past But my mind wouldn't dwell and they'd easily last No longer than a minute or a moment But things change and it's hard to get over What used to amaze and excite me's amazing I'm fighting this mindset I've made I wanna blaze to get over this stage But my fear of my own brain's made me insane I've got no one to blame but myself But this brain that I've gained is a whole new place And it's hard to express In a way I'm a mess And these words are redundant and tame [Hook] Twenty two years I've been fearing my health Now I'm fearing myself and it's weird But my physical health Just doesn't matter cause my mind is a platter of nothingness I'd be bluffing if I claimed I'm myself Twenty two years I've been fearing my health Now I'm fearing myself and it's weird But my physical health Just doesn't matter what I've taken for granted Cause now I'm lost And I'm searching for a cure for this loss [Verse 2] I see my mates and they're talking and laughing I try and join but I'm numb so we're parting I try and say what I'm feeling inside But my feeling's reside in a part of my mind which is no longer working I'm hurting Cause the old me is lurking somewhere But the part of my head which is there now it's dead and I fear it's departed Think of this, right, when people are talking You can hear what they say but it's daunting You respond in a way that you know that you should Like it's normal but thoughts have aborted It's taunting I try and empathise but it's lies I despise the persona I'm forced to disguise I can think of a close friend dying in my head and my mind doesn't mind it As I write this I'm frightened But I know that in hours or in days That the flame that I crave's reigniting Seems exciting But excitement's a prize that my new self is hiding It's like I'm hiding my pride I'm just seeking a guide to explain why my ego resides What's the point in socialising when your social life is a lie? You ever thought about why you like shit? Why you smoke shit, drink or buy shit? You ever broke shit down to the point where it's empty and frightening? You say yes but you ain't just like me Cause when you think these thoughts for a second you're a normal person I'm stuck for live shit I'm a headfuck lost in a psycho disguising [Hook] Just doesn't matter cause my mind is a platter of nothingness I'd be bluffing if I claimed I'm myself (X2) [Verse 3] I see gaps where the old me returns It's like a break from this hell that I've earned And all I crave is this numbness gone I've been trying to be strong But inside me I'm hurt When I feel it's the best Unreal Ingesting the air's like sex I can feel it's testing me deeply Well done me It's a rest from this mind And I'm healing Suddenly appealing has a meaning And my love for my family's seeping Back through my veins and my sanity's changed from a psycho caged in a maze To myself on a stage And relief is a statement changed from a word to a state As I rave my complaints are a haze Like I'm back to the days When I rap and my feelings are sane [Hook x2]