This Is Gonna Be Gross

Hey, guys So cool Thank you guys so much for coming, this is awesome This is so great How many of you guys know me from my show, "Community"? (cheers and applause) Great Just want to let you guys know This is gonna be nothing like that This is gonna be a lot grosser I feel bad-- I feel bad for a lot of people who come to the show Like, people bring their kids and stuff like that And they'll be like, "Oh, oe's gonna do Troy and Abed!" And I'm just like, "Dicks, dicks, dicks, dick, dicks, dicks!" And they're-- "Let's go!" I mean, cause I did-- I can be gross sometimes and I know it's bad I mean, cause I did a half-hour special for Comedy Central And the way I got that half-hour special Was I did an hour in New York I did an hour on my own and Comedy Central was there And they were like, "We really liked your hour." I was like, "Oh, thank you man, that was really great." They were like, "We would love to give you a half-hour." I was like, "Great, would love to do a half-hour." They're like, "Great, but don't do any of the shit you did in that hour It was disgusting, don't do it." Did you guys hear about that Spider-Man thing that happened with me? (cheers and applause) Okay, for those of you who have a life Basically that happened was there was-- They were talking about on this geek blog About making Spider-Man, you know They're redoing it So they said that maybe this new Spider-Man Since they're making it so quickly after making these other Spider-Mans Maybe they should make it real different You know, make it kind of like, dark and edgy like "The Dark Knight," And put it in modern-day times and stuff, and maybe-- You know, Spider-Man Maybe doesn't have to be white Maybe he can be black or Hispanic or something like that And then somebody put a big picture of me in the comments And was like, "Donald Glover can play Spider-Man He's nerdy!" And I was like, okay And somebody sent that to me so I was like "Oh, yeah, I'll put that up." "Oh Donald for Spider-Man, let's do this." You know, kind of a joke, but also, like Who doesn't want to be Spider-Man-- That'd be cool And that's when the world went crazy And half the world was like, "Donald for Spider-Man! We're only gonna watch the nest Spider-Man If Donald Glover's playing Peter Parker!" And the other half was like, "He's black, kill him!" Like, it was so fast It was so fast It was insane, like you were either very hot or cold on the subject and I didn't-- I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything during that whole time I just laid low, but I did read one comment that was like "Oh, we're gonna make Spider-Man black now? We're just gonna make Spider-Man black now? That's what we're gonna do, we're just gonna make Spider-Man black? That's what we're gonna do, we're gonna make Spider-Man black now? Gonna make Spider-Man black? Well, why don't we just have Michael Cera play Shaft?" And I didn't respond to any of the stuff I saw online Except for that one I wrote back, "Uh, dot, dot, dot, yes!" That would be fucking amazing If fucking Michael Cera played Shaft I'd watch that movie every day-- I'd go broke I'd go broke, just like, yes, one more for "Shaft," please Like, I'd be there every day I mean, like, wouldn't that be awesome To be watching the movie Just be like, "Hey, Shaft, what's going on, baby?" "Oh, nothing Let's find some hoes." Like, that'd be so awesome! I'd watch that all the time The thing that bothered me the most about that The thing that really got under my skin Was that people kept bringing up Shaft Like I care about Shaft Like I must care-- He's black, he must love Shaft Like I give a fuck about Shaft Like, I'm like, oh no don't take our Shaft! Like, I don't care, I don't care about Shaft Like, it's just like-- Like Shaft was the Black Spider-Man or something like that It's just like, oh, yeah, white people You guys get this dude who swings from building to building And saves people And black people, you get this dude who slaps women sometimes Enjoy! Like, what? No, that's not okay He's not even a superhero He's just a black guy He's just a black dude You couldn't-- He's not a superhero You couldn't have no Shaft ride at Universal Studios You couldn't have, like-- Yeah, what we do it, we put you in the car And then we set up like five women mannequins And then you hold your hand out and you just slap 'em all Just slap 'em all $5, please That's ridiculous That really bothered me Like, no one-- Like, Shaft-- I don't give a fuck about Shaft I don't care about Shaft The fact that they kept assuming that-- Like I woke up every morning Like, in my Shaft pajamas, jumped out of bed Ran down the stairs drank a cup of Shaft juice Turned on the Shaft television-- I just realized "Shaft juice" sounds like semen Don't wanna drink that That'd be gross