Such Horrible Things

Sit back now! Let me tell you a tale! Where justice does not prevail! About an ill fated life So very filled with Strife! Where 2 wrongs do not make a right! So! When I was born I did surely scorn My proud parents' name Then their lives went down the drain! It drove them insane! My birth was a curse! I bit the nurse! Oh, but I love the worst! I deserve to be slowly submersed Dried out and laid in a hearse When I was 2 I poured Super-Glue Into my father's hair As he sat unaware In his arm chair And much to his dismay He had to cut it all away! Oh but it felt so great! I deserve to be cut up and filleted Then tossed about in dissaray! Till all the pieces melt away! [Chorus] I am not a bad man even though I do bad things! Very bad things! Such horrible things! Oh but it's never what it seems! (Never what it seems) Im not quite what I seem! Aw..hell! It's exactly what it seems! When I was 4 I'd wait by the door With a knife in my hand And the most devious plan It would be quite grand! As the mail went through the slot! The sharp edge is what he got! Oh but I love the thought! I deserve to be tied in a knot Broken bones and blood clots! When I was 6 I used to trick The next door neighbor's son In the woods we would run! It was fun! Hide and seek has a cost! He remains forever lost! Oh but I love the scoff! I deserve to have my head knocked off Hidden and covered in moss Until this memory is forgot [Chorus] I am not a bad man even though i do bad things! Very bad things! Such horrible things! Oh but it's never what it seems! (Never what it seems) Im not quite what i seem! Aw..hell! It's exactly what it seems! When I was 8 I used to hate The color of my house So as quiet as a mouse I burned it down to the ground When no one was around Oh but i love the sound! I deserve to be quickly put down! Rotting 6 feet underground! When I was 10 I used to pretend To drown in the sea 'till someone'd come and rescue me Then proceed to laugh in their face! Such a disgrace! Oh but I love the taste! I deserve to have my brains displaced All over the fire place [Chorus] When I was 12 I used to delve Into evil schemes! Just to hear the screams Boost my self esteem! Pushed my sister down a well! She just fell! Oh but I loved it well! I deserve to roast deep down in hell Where no one can hear me yell! When I was 14! ... ..nothing much happened Wait! Oh, there was that one time! *Screams and car crashes* Hehehhehehehe! Huh? oh... [Chorus] When I was 16 Life was frightening! My brother was quite dull So with an evil plan in my skull I pushed him in a hole Buried him alive! He barely survived! Oh but I loved the cries! I deserved to be battered and fried With an electric chair set on high! Now that I'm 18 I still hate being! In this padded cell I call my home! No friends! No phone! No life to call my own! Here I shall lie Until the very day I die Until my blood begins to dry! And I return to the darkness to whence I came! [Chorus]