We Think We Know You

[Intro: Bo] Thank you so much, I think that I probably should've, uh, ended it on a higher note A big ending or whatever, but, uh...it's been "what.", I hope you enjoyed it- [Popular Girl] Bo, oh my god How are you? I haven't seen you since, like, Freshman year, oh my God! You were so, like, skinny and weird back then, um... But now you're, um... Anyway, um, you should totally come to this party I'm having tonight with a bunch of my college friends Um, it's gonna be off the chain-hook, it's gonna be so good You can play some songs for us or something Um, I've been telling everybody how good of friends we were, um, back in the day Um, I know we never talked or hung out ever, but um... I think that's what made our friendship so special, and, um... Anyway, text me! Okay, bye [Agent] Mister Burnham How ya doin', good? Good Uh, I'm a, uh, I'm an agent from out in Los Angeles Uh, really dig your stuff man, it's out there, you know, I totally get it Uh, and the best part about it, man, you've got all these young fans, uh, and Which is great, because young people, they're... They're very passionate, and they're very, uh, they're very reliable consumers But what you've gotta do to take your career to the next level? You've gotta cater more heavily to them, alright? We've done studies, young people do not respond to this... You know, "introspective" material, or these "challenges-to-the-form", you know... Young people want jokes they can relate to, okay? So...write a...write a silly song about Facebook, you know? Write some jokes about Twitter, or...or sugary cereals, or...razor scooters Relate to them! You know, also, you've gotta reestablish your presence on the internet, buddy Alright, it's not important whether your material's "good" or not What's important is that you keep the Bo Burnham brand alive and well Ya get it? But we'll discuss more later, I know it's a lot Uhh, my number is, uh, 310-555-...uhh, *mumbling "imaginary number"* [Jock Boy] Fag! What up, dude, what's up, how are ya man? You've changed, bro. You've changed I never knew you, but, um My friend's old roommate's friend said he knew you in high school and you became a real asshole once all this "comedy" stuff started happening What, what is it man? You think you're better than us? You think you're better than us just cause you're tall? Whoa, congrats man, you're tall! Wow, it's incredible! What, you want a trophy for being tall? You wanna...we should just give trophies to tall things And every tree and building will have a trophy That make sense? Yo, why you acting all quiet and weird right now? Yo I know why you are, it's cause you're an arrogant prick, that's why An arrogant fuckin' prick I once heard that you actually act quiet cause you're shy and introverted in real life And that people shouldn't expect you to act the same way offstage as you do onstage *laughs* Yeah...yeah, it makes no sense Anyway, you wanna buy some weed? [All Three] Bo, oh my god! Bo, oh my god! Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo Bo, oh my god! Mister Burnham Bo, Bo (Fag!) Bo, oh my god! Mister Burnham Bo, Bo (Fag!) Bo, oh my god! Mister Burnham Bo, Bo (Fag!) Bo, oh my god! Mister Burnham Bo, Bo (Fag!) Bo, oh my god! Mister (Fag!) Mister, Mister (Fag!) Bo, oh my god! Mister (Fag!) Mister, Mister (Fag!) Bo (Fag!), oh my god! (Fag!) Mi-mi- (Fag!) mi-mi- (Fag!) Mister Burnham Bo (Fag!), oh my god! (Fag) Mi-mi- (Fag!) mi-mi- (Fag!) Mi-mi- (Fag!) mi-mi- (Fag!) Mi-mi- (Fag!) mi-mi- (Fag!) I am Satan, Lord of Darkness! Bo (Fag!), oh my god! (Fag!) Mister Burnham (Fag!) Bo, Bo (Fag!) Bo (Fag!), oh my God! *crickets* Fag! Bo (Fag!), oh my god! (Fag!) Mister Burnham (Fag!) Bo, Bo (Fag!) Bo (Fag!), oh my god! (Fag!) Mister Burnham (Fag!) Bo, Bo (Fag!) Uh, uh! Hey! Uh, uh! Hey! ...what the Hell? Uh, uh! Hey! Uh, uh! Hey! You're not gonna hit the girl? That's sexist! Fa-fa-f-f-f-f-fa-fag! Mister, m-m-m-m-mister Bo-Bo! We think you've changed, bro We know best You suck! We think you've changed, bro We know best You suck! We think- We know- You- (x35) Mister Mister Mister Mister Bo, oh my God Bo, oh my God *heavily AutoTuned* Bo, oh my God Bo, oh my God Bo, oh my God (fag, fag) Bo (fag, fag), oh my God (fag, fag) Bo (fag, fag), oh my God (fag, fag) Fag (Bo! Bo!) Fag (Bo! Bo!) Fag (Bo! Bo!) *mixture of all the noises up until now* Mister Burnham *huge applause and cheering* Thank you [insert city name], goodnight, thank you, I hope you liked it, thank you Thank you for being a part of this, thank you