Turning 30

[Monologue] So, um, I've been working on this special now for six months And... the whole time I've had a... a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30 Um, because the idea of... of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed... I just wanted to avoid that. So... And you might be thinking, "Well, that's fine. You know, look at you, you radiate such youth. You must not be turning 30 for years." And that's very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is, um, I turn 30 in less than a minute So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy, uh, my twenties, and then get back to work [sighs] [Intro] Yay [Verse 1] I used to run for miles I used to ride my bike I used to wake up with a smile And go to bed at night with a dream [exhales] Ah But now I'm turning 30 No! [Verse 2] I used to be the young one Got used to meeting people Who were used to meeting someone Who was born in 1990 No way! (Yeah, I was born in 1990) Now I'm turning 30 God… God damn it [Chorus] I'm (Turning 30, turning 30) Turning (Turning 30, turning 30) Thirty (Turning 30, turning 30) I'm turning 30 (Turning 30, turning 30) [Verse 3] When he was 27 My granddad fought in Vietnam When I was 27 I built a birdhouse with my mom Oh fuck [sobs] How am I 30? [groans] [Verse 4] I used to make fun of the boomers In retrospect, a bit too much Now all these fucking zoomers Are telling me that I'm out of touch (Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones Are poisoning your minds. Okay? So when you develop A dissociative mental disorder In your late twenties Don't come crawling back to me) [Chorus] I'm (Turning 30, turning 30) Turning (Turning 30, turning 30) Thirty (Turning 30, turning 30) I'm turning 30 (Turning 30, turning 30) [Bridge] And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children My stupid friends Are having stupid children My stupid friends Are having stupid children My stupid friends Are having stupid children And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children My stupid friends Are having stupid children My stupid friends Are having stupid children Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children [Outro] It's 2020, and I'm 30 I'll do another ten 2030 I'll be 40 and kill myself then