The Three Rules

[Louie sample] Now I’m going to tell you what I know to be the three rules of show business Number 1: Look them in the eye, and speak from the heart Number 2: You’ve got to go away to come back Number 3: If someone asks you to keep a secret, their secret is a lie [Verse: Art Vandelay] I lie to your face With style and grace And smile big when I do it too, I’m a mile away I’m thinking ‘bout my goddamn self And all the ways that you could probably help my acquisition of wealth Yeah my goddamn self A wide assortment of these fake snakes and scorpions Who love you when you love them But nothing’s as important as the fame and the admiration Big names and even bigger exaggerations On my way up to the top I’ll leave as many dead bodies as I need to And now it’s just a couple steps before I reach you So great to meet you, all the things I could teach you Like how to tumble down a cliff and let the wolves eat you The music business is built on pipe dreams Of little sewer rats who all look just like me We’ve got a better chance of being struck by lightning Than really making money off this stuff we’re writing You sweaty-ass handshake having-ass Stank breath breathing-ass Hot cheeto eating-ass fuck boi Back stage yapping like you know how to make it If you knew how to make it then you wouldn’t be backstage yapping And all these little girls want to get it ‘Cause they see I got a lot of stage presence But they don’t speak a sentence without the word “like” 25 times “you’re like, um like, the best fucking rapper guy” I’m paranoid Of parasites But bright lights leave ‘em all paralyzed I swear there’s something in the air tonight And not just cheap cologne and B.O It’s very nice My best friend would probably stab me in the back If I had a best friend but I don’t ‘Cause I cut his fucking throat While he slept a real long time ago Took everything he owned worth a damn and got ghost Gotta make it to the show I gotta get up on stage Feeling kind of numb And it makes my heart race Only thing that does anymore anyway So I pretty much kill it at any place that I can play Man fuck a drink ticket I’ve been wicked You don think it Then you don’t listen ‘Cause I script it so insipid If you bite bitches You might die out with throat sickness Walter White ricin Won’t be no witness It’s only right that I write like this Because I spent my whole life like this And every day every night I sit And clench my fist With pen to pad And you would kill for the skills I have