The Thieves Banquet

[Intro: Akala (speaking)] Once upon a time in an obscure part of the Milky Way Galaxy, there was a spinning ball of water and rock ruled by the forces of evil. The Devil himself, proud of the magnificent achievements of his children, decided to call a special banquet for the greatest thieves in all the land He sent invites to thousands of the greatest murders, rapists and general-assorted scum, inviting them to attend his palace at the dawn of the new moon. Each thief would be given a chance to stake his claim as the greatest messenger of murder upon the planet, and the Devil himself would then decide who should be crowned king. After many days of deliberating, all of the petty thieves, such as street criminals, have been found far short of the required level of wickedness and there were just four sets of thieves left in the competition They were: the monarchs of empire, a cartel of bankers, the heads of religious orders, and the third-world dictators. Each set of thieves appointed a spokesman to give his case to the Devil. We have recorded these events for posterity [Verse 1 Intro: Akala] Uh, listen Uh, okay, yo First up was the thief of the worst reputation Dictator of a third-world nation He looked the Devil in the eye as he spoke In an oh-so-serious tone [Verse 1: Akala (as the Third-World Dictator)] Dear Mr. Devil I am the greatest thief there has ever been on Earth Please tell me who else more than me personifies your work I came to power in a military coup, I murdered the elected president He wanted to use the resources of our country for our peoples’ benefit I proved to masters in the west I could kill my own people just as well as the best So I took over the so-called independent country when the foreigners left Sent squads of death to those who would suggest In power should be the one they elect Erected a statue of the great man That raped our mothers, stole our lands That’s how little self-respect I have Don’t fight slavery, it makes me glad Account in Switzerland, Rolls Royce Murder and rape cos I want new toys Don’t want a portion, but a whole fortune With that profit, what’s a little bit of torture Even outlawed my indigenous culture And language and history And taught our people to only worship colonizers And of course, ME! [Hook]: Thief! It’s the banquet of the thieves! Come and dine with me! It’s the banquet of the thieves! The banquet of the thieves… [Verse 2 Intro: Akala] The Devil was so impressed with this wonderful man He almost ejaculated on his hands But the monarch of the empire said [Verse 2: Akala (as the Monarch of Empire)] Excuse me, Mr. Devil, I’d like to speak if I may Who do you think trained this amateur dictator to behave this way? Yeah, I’m sure before I came along his country was far from heaven But look of the carnage I caused all over the Earth, it’s got to be the work of the Devil Countless deaths, mass enslavement Deliberate starvation of whole nations The dictator tries his best, but looking at me, he’s just an imitation Who do you think pays his wages? He would love to be trading places I’ve been doing this ting on the roads Way back, way back, way back Since the Middle Ages Everybody knows he’s a criminal element They think I’m democratic and benevolent And that shows that I’m really devilish Cos people think I’m heaven-sent I couldn’t care about democracy You all know no one elected me The people love me despite my crimes Sucka MCs wanna bite my shine So blingin’ out of control you would vomit Don’t even touch dough, but my face is on it! [Hook]: [Verse 3: Akala (as the Head of Religious Orders)] I’m a pervert who’s in the cloak of the clergy Yes, I’m a pervert who’s in the cloak I’m a despicable character I use my position of authority and spiritual reverence I’m a despicable character Mr. Devil, allow me to speak For all of the religious leaders that leech In the world of creeps, I’m initiated I take the peoples’ faith and dissipate it With false promises, hollow oratory Don’t need a gun, it’s daylight robbery Dear Mr. Devil I thought you would like it How I use their faith in God to keep them blinded Put on a nice voice, read them a book And they believe that I am not a crook Tell them God will repay them in the next They give me their life savings so I can buy jets All the reports about child sex None of us have ever gone to jail yet This system of stealing, so appealing Convinces the victims their lives have meaning Monarchs boast about conquest But needed my blessings to get it done And all of the dictators use my books Therefore, they are just my sons [Verse 4 Intro: Akala] The Devil was sure this was the winner And was just about to put an end to the dinner But then the man from the banking cartel Stepped up and said [Verse 4: Akala (as the Cartel Banker)] I think I’m the biggest sinner All of those three depend on me All they ever do is defending me Cos I paid for all of the things they have Of course, and all of the lives they lead Paid for the guns, bombs and the tanks That’s why you see, there is always more I turned science’s basic appliance Into a client of weapon and war Paid for monarchies, armed robberies I make monopolies out of property Never shot a gun nor killed anyone myself But billions die cos of me Who needs a threat? I make a debt Out of thin air, just sit back and collect Every single day, whatever they say The people need me just to connect it Yet none of them knows what I look like Yet all of them spend my money to look nice They want more, no one’s pure I hold the keys to every single door Sell sex and drugs, profit and lies Earth and skies, I’ll even sell life I’ll even sell freedom for the right price But no one is smart enough to ask me nice So Mr. Devil, give me the medal Don’t be biased If you don’t give it to me I’ll just BUY IT! [Hook]: Thief! It’s the banquet of the thieves! Come and dine with me! It’s the banquet of the thieves! The banquet of the thieves…